


F@#$, Marry, or Kill

by TerminalMiraculosis



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: F/M, Humour, Mature for adult themes and swearing, One Shot, but like, idk why i wrote this, there's no actual sex, who wouldn't want to get busy with Chat Noir?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-13
Updated: 2016-06-13
Packaged: 2018-07-14 20:40:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7189403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TerminalMiraculosis/pseuds/TerminalMiraculosis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Marinette!" exclaimed Nino, "Chat Noir, Ladybug, and Hawk Moth.” </p>
<p>Adrien gulped. There was no way this could end well.</p>
<p>(In which a game of Fuck, Marry, or Kill gets a bit out of hand.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	F@#$, Marry, or Kill

**Author's Note:**

> Just a quick story that came to me and I wrote in a few hours. Not my best but w/e, maybe you'll enjoy it.

“Okay, Nino, your turn,” hummed Alya. The four teens were sitting at their desks, playing a game of ‘Fuck, Marry, or Kill’. Adrien wasn't entirely sure how it had happened; he and Marinette were both early, for the first time in weeks, and Ms. Bustier only arrived when class officially started. They had time to kill, and Alya and Nino were both in the room, so he supposed he shouldn't be too surprised that he was in a position to hear Alya’s reasoning behind offing the Easter Bunny, marrying a leprechaun, and giving Santa Clause some ‘presents’ of his own. 

“Alright.” Nino glanced between Adrien and Marinette.

_Please don't pick me please don't pick me please—_

“Marinette!”

_Yes!_

“Chat Noir, Ladybug, and Hawk Moth.”

_Wait._

Marinette shrank in her seat and turned redder than Nathanaël’s hair. Adrien didn't fare much better—this had taken a sharp turn onto Personal Drive, Awkward City. They had agreed (Marinette and Adrien had begged) in the beginning not to include anybody they knew personally, and Nino had just broken that rule big-time. But his friends didn't know that, so Adrien was forced to suck it up and pretend that his alter ego was just another face in the papers. 

“C’mon, Nino, that's an easy one!” Alya smirked. “I mean, have you _seen_ Chat’s ass?”

Oh, Adrien was so screwed. 

“ALYA!” squeaked Marinette. 

“Oh, please. Don't say you guys haven't thought about it.”

(Adrien had most certainly not thought about it.)

After Marinette had thrown several ‘I'm thinking!’s and ‘Hold on!’s against Alya and Nino’s pressuring statements, Adrien couldn't help feeling a bit impatient. But she was contemplating her answer, which he would concede takes time and careful deliberation. 

Time he would not spend on something like that. He wouldn’t even entertain the thought.

Well, he would probably kill Hawk Moth. That was only sensible. 

And then totally do it with Ladybug. 

His friends, and a few of his nearby classmates, whipped around as he slapped himself loudly across the face. _She's your_ _partner, Adrien! Get yourself together!_

“Bro, you okay?”

Adrien wasn't quite sure what Nino was referring to until the smarting handprint on his cheek graciously reminded him. “Oh, uh, there was a bug.”

“…So you slapped yourself across the face?” 

“Er, hey, Marinette, what's your answer?” Adrien deflected, waving Nino’s probing look away with a subtle swipe of his hand.

Marinette reddened further. She blushed incredibly easily, he noted, at least in his experience. Maybe it was a medical condition.

“O-oh, um. Kill Hawk Moth, obviously.” A pause. “And then, probably, uh, marry Ladybug and that about covers it,” she finished quickly.

“Actually, Marinette, I think you forgot one,” Alya said. An innocent smile stretched across her face.

“Alya,” started Marinette, glaring a warning at Alya, “I know what you’re doing.”

“Whatever do you mean?” Alya’s facade never dropped, her eyelashes fluttering in mock ignorance. “I’m simply confused; after all, there’s kill, marry, and…”

“Ugh, fine!”

You know how sometimes, in a room full of conversation, all the chatter stops except for one person, just by coincidence?

“Yes, I’d bang Chat Noir! Is that what you wanted to hear?”

Yeah.

Marinette looked ready to embrace the void as every head in the class snapped towards her in shock, amusement, confusion, embarrassment, and every other emotion on the rainbow. Nobody uttered a word for a good few seconds until Alix decided to take one for the team and break the silence.

“Damn, Mari, savage.”

“Um,” murmured Rose, barely above a whisper, “what are we talking about?”

As Marinette was currently trying to hide behind herself, Alya answered for her friend. “We’re playing Fuck, Marry, or Kill. Chat Noir, Ladybug, and Hawk Moth.”

“Oh, I’d kill that cat,” announced Chloé. “When I gave him my physics homework, do you know what he did?” Adrien knew, and he didn’t regret a thing. “He just doodled cats all over it! I probably spent _months_ erasing them!”

“Oh, now that’s the kind of guy I would marry,” Mylene laughed.

“Well,” Max said, looking down at his calculator, “according to my calculations, Chat Noir has 63% of the most desired traits in a sexual partner, and Ladybug only has 54%.”

“Ya gotta be kidding,” laughed Kim. “Ladybug’s fuckin’ hot!”

Adrien saw Marinette cringe at that. He couldn’t blame her; Kim’s brashness would give his grandmother a heart attack. 

“Thinkin’ about it,” drawled Alix, “Leather? Cat ears? Bell collar? He’s into some kinky shit. It’d either be amazing or downright sinful. Probably both.”

_Death,_ thought Adrien. _Death sounds nice._

“Oh, there was a buzzfeed quiz about this,” Juleka exclaimed in her usual monotonous manner. 

“You have _got_ to be kidding me,” Marinette muttered under her breath, and Adrien had to agree with her sentiment.

“Apparently, I’d be more into Ladybug myself,” Juleka continued

“Alya, you’re superhero expert, right?” asked Nathanaël. “What do you think?”

“Honestly? I’d do both.”

About half the room nodded, muttering things like ‘yeah’ and ‘mhmm’. Adrien didn’t think he could get any redder, and Marinette had retreated under her desk completely.

“I mean, I know I said Ladybug before,” Kim exclaimed loudly.

Out of the corner of his eye, Adrien saw the door handle turn.

“But honestly,”

“Oh, _no_ ,” Adrien mumbled as Ms. Bustier walked into the room.

“I’d totally smash Chat Noir.”

Ms. Bustier sighed and looked at Kim. The class waited in bated breath, expecting a stern lecture about appropriate topics for school. 

“Yeah, me too.”

_What._

_W h a t._

Adrien wasn’t conscious to feel his forehead collide sharply with the desk in front of him.

\---

**Four Years Later**

“I’m glad it’s you,” he breathed.

“I’m glad it’s you,” she moaned.

Adrien and Marinette panted as they broke away from their first kiss (sans akuma shenanigans). The rain in the alleyway soaked through their clothes and weighed on their hair as they saw each other, truly, for the first time. 

“So, uh, wanna go out sometime?”

A giggle. “I think I’d like that.”

They stood there for a while, basking in each other’s presence, the rain pattering around them.

“Oh my god,” said Marinette, after a couple minutes.

“What?”

“You’re Chat Noir.”

“I believe we’ve established that.”

“No. Hold on. Do you what this means?”

Adrien raised an eyebrow.

“Our class back in Collège had an argument over which one of us they’d more like to… you know.”

Adrien’s mind was suddenly assaulted with memories:

_—Have you seen Chat’s ass—sexual partner—fuckin’ hot—into some kinky shit—do both—totally smash Chat Noir—yeah, me too—_

_“Yes, I’d bang Chat Noir. Is that what you wanted to hear?”_

“Uh, bug?”

“Yeah?”

“If it’s any consolation, you’re on your way to making good on your answer.”

Adrien hadn’t thought getting slapped would hurt so much.

**Author's Note:**

> I think it's pretty obvious in the show that the suits are perception-altering, because people are simply not that stupid, and the superheroes are treated like adults. My point is that Ms. Bustier is not a pedophile in this story.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
